I seriously don't know. 

 (Friday 9/5) I go to a doctor, and now i am being prescribed with Zoloft. I didn't want my severe anxiety to lead to medications, but i can't help it myself any more. Im fed up. I absalutely hate the feelings i get. It's getting in the way of my life.. and my relationship. Im done, im taking zoloft now.

 (Saterday 9/6) So, Lawrence and i are taking a break. But i don't want to. But i guess it's for the better. I asked him if we would ever have a chance to go out again... he said it could go both ways. Then he texted me when i was at Kendra's house while they were tryin to make me feel a lil better. He texted me, but i didn't get it right away cause of bad service. He asked me to listen to, Whatever it takes, by lifehouse. I said, "It sounds like what your saying to me, but stop me if im completely wrong." He said, "No, it is, i never thought i would accually miss you but i do." I asked him what we should do, and he said, "I dont know im very confused." I was just about to text him the same thing before he texted that. I asked if he thought we should go back out, he thought we should give it a lil more time, and i agreed.  

 (Sunday 9/7) Today was Kendra's supprise bday party. Lawrence and I are still good friends, We didn't want to lose that. We did good most of the day, but it was very hard and weird sitting next to him while he's somewhat flirting with me, and were not together. We got in an argument about Shit. On the way taking him back home while he was listening to music, I kept thinking to myself, "Why won't he love me the way i do, why can't he, Why did he lie to me, after all this time, Why did he let it get this far, why can't someone love me as much as i love them, why can't he be crazy about me like i am about him..." I was soo confused, and i still didn't know what i was feeling. He noticed i was acting weird, and i can't hide that. He asked me what was wrong, and i tried to tell him as best as i could without affending him, or something. He said to me, "I love you Jesse... i'm just not IN love with you... wait that sounded cheasy... what i mean is, if something were to happen to you, I would care and i would be sad." When i dropped him off, he said he was gonna hang out with our good friend Jenn. We said goodbye, and he was going to text me later. I felt like i had to cry when he shut the door.. but i didn't. I started driving back to Kendra's house, and I just bursted out into tears. I started crying soo hard, and my whole body went dumb. I had to pull off onto an exit to park somewhere.. i still dont remember the name of that exit.. I called Jenn, cause she was the first person that popped up in my mind. I didn't care who i talked to, i just needed to talk to someone. She helped me calm down a lil, and i tried to say what i was feeling, hopefully she could understand me with my crying lol.. ugh... When i felt better, I drove back to Kendra's house, and went strait to her room. I didnt want to be all sad in front of everyone. I started writing a blog on this website, but i got too tired. I went back downstairs still a lil shook up. I laid down on the chowch next to where everyone was playin rock band, and i fell right asleep. I woke up 25 minuts later, feeling a whole lot better, but i STILL didn't understand what im feeling. Brittizle came outside with me and we had a cigarette and talked. Were goin through a similar thing. Then i got a call, and it was Lawrence. He asked me right away, are u ok? I told him about the break down i had, and that i am confused, and lonely, and bla bla bla. He said, "you know what you need to do? you need to drink some water. I said "BUT I HATE WATER LOL" and he said, do it for me? please? I said ok. He asked if i wanted to hang out the next day, and i happily said sure. I went home, and tried to sleep.

(Monday 9/8) I see him after school. Joey, Jenn, he, and I hung out at barns and noble for a lil bit, then to her house. We were sitting at her computer while she was on myspace. Lawrence and I almost get into another argument, but we end it fast. He flirted with me a lil again, or it seemed... and i love it, but were not together, and i don't want to be all over him. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was hard. I don't want him to stop, i mean i love it! But it just kinda confused me some more. I dont know what to do, and i dont know what to think, i dont know what to expect, and i dont know what will happen... 

(right now, 9:00 PM monday) I want to get back with him, and I would go back with him if he asked me to. But Im scared. I dont want it to end up being the same thing, i dont want him to lose interest again, i don't want him to lie to me again. He said to me that he just doesnt have any more interest in me, and that im not his type. He questions why I love him, or if i love him. I want tobe back with him, but will it really change? He said Saterday night that he thinks it would be different, that it would change. I hope so. But i really don't know. I dont know what i should do, and I dont know when all the pieces will come together again. Like i have felt for 4 days, I dont know what I'm thinking right now... i feel like these past few days have been going on for weeks. I guess, only time will tell.

 -Jesse

 Like I said, It could all just be in my head. I still don't understand some things, but it doesn't matter any more. it really doesnt. We are ok, and we are cool again. I love him soo much. Im glad we can work shit out. A relationship is like a road. There will be pot wholes... sometimes you can't dodge them, and you can only go straight through them. It's rough and bumpy, but you get through it. hopefully without a flat tire! .. jk lol.

 The nine inch nails show is coming up... and IM SOO FUCKING STOKED!!! If i dont forget, ill write all bout it. I don't write often, but if i need to get something out i will. Im takin a showa, peace!

 -Je$$e

  I don't understand what's going on. I can't tell if something is being kept from me and if so what. I can't get over the thought of losing him, and letting him know how i feel about that is pushing him away, exactly what i don't want to do. This means everything to me, and don't want to lose it. I only hope he feels the same. I don't know what he's thinking right now, and I want to know, even if it hurts.

  I am gonna start taking medicine for my anxiety, and ADHD, which i was diagnosed with 4 years ago and my grandpa didn't tell me! I want to stop this bull fuck! It hurts sooo much inside and i can't fucking take it any more. As hard as i have tried to get rid of it myself, i can't! It's getting in the way of my life, and of my relationship. My relationship to me is my life. I remember he said, "your the best thing that ever happened to me." I hope he still feels that way. I hope that he ment it.

  Im gonna see him tomarrow, just him and I. I want him to tell me exactly what he's thinking, while we have no distractions. Who knows, this whole thing could just be in my head... or my worst fear could really be comming true. I don't know what to do, i'm so confused, i can't sleep.

  If you read this.... you know who im talking about....  please, i just need you to understand what i'm feeling. Ive been told that "it takes two people in a relationship to screw it up"... and i also know it takes two people to keep it together. Please baby boy, just work this out with me. Because we can work it out, i know we can.  We were eachothers first everything, that means too much to just end it.

  Whatever happens.....

 -jesse

  This friday (tomarrow) Lawrence and I are going to San Fransisco to see my assistant manager Dan sing in the gay mans chorus. Ive talked to him for some advice a few times and about my sexuality, and he thought it would be nice to invite Lawrence and I. Im excited.

 My little sisters bday party is this staterday! she is 12. Im getting her coontale extentions XP. All her friends had them and my mom cant afford them lol. Itl be fun in the sun at the pool!

 Lawrences Bday is next Sunday, and im celebrating it with him on Saterday. Im gonna get him another gift, and I'm taking him to the Elefant Bar for dinner. I already got him a rat, and his mom asked if i would take it home lol. But he loves the rat and im happy he does. 

 Sunday, day after i celebrate Lawrences bday is Bay to Breakers! Im goin with my mom and lil sis. Were gonna wear costumes that resemble people from the movie Montey Python and the Holy Grale (I know i probably spelled that way wrong). 

 On the 23, in two weeks is the Mindless Self Indulgence concert! HELLZ YEAH IM GOING!. Im taking my friends Kendra, Tyler, Emily, and lawrence. 

-Ill write more when i have more to talk about XP

This is gonna be my first year doin Day of Silence. It's gonna be fun! Im excited. Im also anxious to see how itl turn out. So yee... im tired and goin to bed. This is my last voice til school is out tommarrow, so time to save my words.

 -ill write up more latrz

  It's fucking awsome! This week has been the best time i have every had. Asside from my grandpa being on my ass the whole time.. it doesn't matter. I still had an awsome time. 

  Thursday i went out to see my boy, and all my other friends and we had pizza. I got black milds for my b-day, and I BOUGHT CIGS! lol, i feel accomplished, shut up! :P.. 

  Then Friday i picked my Lawrence, Joey, Kaylin, and Cheyenne and brought them down here so we could have pizza at blondies with my other friends from school. Later we sat on a grass field in front of my friend Kendra's house and played silly games that were fo sho entertaining. KENDRAS MOM MADE THE BEST BIRTHDAY CAKE IVE EVER HAD... OR SEEN! Then i dropped everyone off, and slept over at  Joey's house. 

  The next day Saterday, Joey, Jordan, Brittiny, Lawrence, and I went to TASTE OF CHAOS... IT WAS THE FUCKING SHIT! It was kinda lame in the beginning because it was so hot standing in line! But once the show started, we all got really into it. I moshed, croud surfed, and suffacated to Atreyu, bullet for my valentine, and bless the fall lol. I fucked up my back some how.. and whenever i was in the mosh pit i quickly got out of breath and couldnt catch it because my lower back hurt when i tried. And it didnt help when i messed it up croud surfing. But in the end it was all worth it. It was pretty funny seing Joey and his contact high.... and the two high weirdos that now call me Rascal, who went on about what to give a girl to drink to get her to drop her panties... yeah, that was great haha. In the end, all of us were moody, and ready to crash for the night. 

  TODAY (sunday), im gonna go to Bennihana's with my family, and have cake when i get home and stuff. I get to see my Mom, Sister, Cousin, and Grandma. 

  This week couldnt have been any better without my love, Lawrence, and my best friend Joey. This week fucking OWNED! And i will never forget this shit! :)

                                                                                                                                                    -Peace outie

 Im bout to be 18 years old... and it FUCKING FEELS GREAT! Life is gonna really change for me. The hardest part is my grandpa not being responsible for what i do any more.. But hes dealing with it and i couldnt be better. I am so excited its hard to believe! It's kinda scary too, but in a good way. Wow, and now on the first day, im gonna get my self some black milds and camel wides! yee!! So next time yall see me... ill be legally, and adult, LATE!

 Last night i slept in my car again. I hate doing that cause i feel like such a hobo, and i hardly get sleep! And obviously being tired as fuck got the better of me today when my friend Mel texted me. I flipped out because i overreacted because i was in a pissy mood cause i had no sleep. You didnt deserve that Mel, and i can only do so much to show how much i apologize. I just want us to be cool again. I didnt mean for any of it. Like i said, i fucked up today, and if there is a way to be cool again fuckin let me know. Cause i didnt mean any of that shit i said to you, i swear. 

 
 Laterz...

   School is gonna start again tomarrow... and im fuckin dreadin it!!!! I want to go back out to Oakley!!! I want to see my baby bear!... But i am kinda ready to see my school friends again, even though i dont have THAT many. But i sure will miss sleeping in, even though i only did twice this week! Whatev... I had a great week. EVERY SINGLE DAY i was out in oakley, whether it was at a bbq, or 3 in the morning sneaking out, i was out there. And i have changed alot over a week... its fun going back to school looking a lil improved. 

   What ill miss the most is seing my baby bear every day... and seing all of my buddies, but when i turn 18 thats something i can look forward to almost every day :) .

-Je$$e-

    I remember... when i was a freshman. I had the most random style, if it was even a style. I would wear ripped cloths, a green day hat (eeeww), gloves made out of socks with studs in them...who fucking does that!!!! (i would slap myself if i saw myself again then) ... And i was confused in many different ways, but since the beginning of my JR year of high school, i've understand myself so much more, and my style isnt random or stupid. .... I met a dude named Joey Lopez.... he lives in Oakley, and hes got to be my best friend. On New Years, i met all of his other friends. And i have never been happier since. Also, through him... i met someone named, Lawrence. He is now the love of my life, and i have never felt so comfortable with who i am being with him. I have never loved someone as much as i love him... and i NEVER want to lose him, my baby bear. I AM in love with him. <3 . Now, i am so willing to admit that I AM FUCKING GAY!!!!! And there isn't a damn thing any one can do to change that, cause that's who i am, and I am ok with that now. 

    So, fuckin thanx! to EVERYONE i have met out in Oakley. Because of meeting the people i have made friends with, I understand myself a hell of alot more, and I am comfortable with all of it too. I love being out there now, not cause of the city, but because of the people. To my besties! ...

-Je$$e-